I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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