On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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