I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
