I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we should paint friendship bongs
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
