I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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