she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
