Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
