Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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