She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
