so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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