Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
