I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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