Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
