AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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