Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize