How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
