I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
