return my video game
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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