Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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