okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
