$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
