Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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