I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
