I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
