I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
