I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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