The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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