checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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