The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
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