the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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