Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
