you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
