sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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