Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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