I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
