So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
