We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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