You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
