I wish I could teleport
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
