I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the condom got lost in my hair
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
