mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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