Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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