2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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