oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
