the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
