My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
