oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
