I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
