I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
