I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
