Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize