my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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