i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
please don't ironically join a cult
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