if you like me you must not know who I am
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
