Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"